Deirdre Barlow’s Hierarchy Of Hotel Needs

My hotel room sink has no plug.

How does it smell?

Wait, no – that’s not how it goes.

How it goes is this. Once, when drunk, I decided to try and evaluate one of the many hotel rooms that I stay in, when away with work. I tried to sum up the experience. My needs.

I grasped around for something witty – a word to explain it. Then from nowhere, the idea of replicating Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs came in to my head. Quickly followed by the only thing I could think of that rhymed with Maslow.

Deirdre Barlow.

From that, came a sort of running gag on the ever glorious WB40 Podcast WhatsApp group. A new member would join, Deirdre would moan about the position of plugs and an explanation would quickly follow.

So that’s it really. The Deirdre Barlow Hierarchy of Hotel Needs is a summary of how good or bad your hotel room is.

Sure there are horror stories of people defecating in the mini kettle or the desire some folk have to put everything in the room where the sun doesn’t shine, but Deirdre Barlow’s law is about more than that.

It’s about plugs that are in the far corner of the room, so that you can’t charge and look at your phone in bed.

It’s about shower heads that are positioned 5′ 4″s up the wall when you are 6ft.

It’s about a free bottle of water, good quality biscuits, an appropriate amount of hangers and an iron – ideally with headlamps.

So next time you are staying away with work, consider the following:

Can you do the three Ss at the same time when in the bathroom – where the first two are shower and shave.

Can you turn the light out in your room without getting out of bed, or blinding yourself with halogen lamps above your head?

Do all the channels work on your TV?

Do you have a mini kettle or a coffee machine?

Does your room look as thought it might be hosed down when you leave, or where everything is smoothed down, with the odd hair left behind?

It’s the little things that matter – like an iron in the room, air conditioning that works and a shower that doesn’t feel like a torture device after the longest of nights.

The Deirdre Barlow Hierarchy of Hotel Needs is very much a personal thing – but all we ever ask is for a plug by the bed and a towel to cover our middle-aged spread.

Everything else is a bonus.

A bonus would be a plug in my sink. Which it genuinely doesn’t have. Just some kind of slow release valve which is crap for when you are having one of the aforementioned Ss.

Chris Written by:

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